I'll warn you before I start- this post is not about fashion. It's about my life. So if you don't feel like reading it, I won't be offended- seeing as this is supposed to be a fashion blog. But really, maybe I should rename my blog to be more of a lifestyle blog so I don't feel bad about posting something like this. Either way, I desperately need a friend to vent to...so here goes.
For the past 7.5 years I've been dating J. J and I have always had a TON in common. We get along really well for the most part, but we have one huge issue: he is totally and completely irresponsible. As in, he does not have a job, nor does he try to get one, doesn't answer his phone a majority of the time, never calls me when he says he will, doesn't follow through, sleeps until 1pm in the afternoon, and plays lots of video games. Recently he's been taking classes to get a degree, but that is his only commitment. He doesn't have any problem paying bills, though, because his mother sends him $1000 every month to pay for his living expenses. J is 26. Anyway, we've had this problem for years. I'm overly ambitious and he has next to no ambition. And it gets in the way of us being a happy couple.
So there is your background info. Earlier this month I decided that J and I need to separate- get our own apartments and live on our own- until he can prove to me that he cares enough to fix this major problem.
Or so I thought.
Now, the week of the move (I am supposed to move into my new apartment this coming Sunday) I am totally unsure of my decision and feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears. I really, really don't want to live in separate apartments...its really going to be rough on my finances...and his. Not to mention, I will really miss him. We've lived together for about 15 months now, so this is going to be a huge change.
I feel like all of my friends will be mad at me and think I'm weak if I change my mind and stay with him...but why should I put myself through so much pain and financial strain when I could be content just leaving things as is? I guess my friends would say because most of the time I'm not "happy" in this relationship because of J's immaturity. And they're right, but right now I do feel happy with the relationship. When it's just he and I, and nothing else in the world matters, he's my very best friend and I do love him on some level.
That's another part of the story, too. I'm always unsure of whether or not I'm "in love" with J. Most of the time I feel like I'm not, but I wonder if I would feel like this about anyone after being together for so long. Maybe him being my best friend is more important than all that lovey-dovey stuff. Maybe that's what a soulmate really is.
Or maybe there is someone out there that will make me feel lovey-dovey always...I don't know.
Aside from this irresponsible behavior, J treats me very well. He would do anything for me at the drop of a hat and has stood by my side through A LOT of crazy life occurrences. He isn't very romantic or thoughtful, but he is always kind and caring.
Anyway, I'm scared. I'm outrageously sad. I'm confused and uncertain. It almost feels like the him being irresponsible issue doesn't matter anymore. But I know that if I stay with him, sooner or later I will become upset again that he is being immature and irresponsible.
Everyone says if things are meant to be, he and I will get back together later.
I'm just not sure if I'm even willing to take that chance anymore.
I don't know what to do.