Monday, July 26, 2010

I Can't Hold On, But Letting Go Is Something I Can't Do...

I'll warn you before I start- this post is not about fashion. It's about my life. So if you don't feel like reading it, I won't be offended- seeing as this is supposed to be a fashion blog. But really, maybe I should rename my blog to be more of a lifestyle blog so I don't feel bad about posting something like this. Either way, I desperately need a friend to vent here goes.

For the past 7.5 years I've been dating J. J and I have always had a TON in common. We get along really well for the most part, but we have one huge issue: he is totally and completely irresponsible. As in, he does not have a job, nor does he try to get one, doesn't answer his phone a majority of the time, never calls me when he says he will, doesn't follow through, sleeps until 1pm in the afternoon, and plays lots of video games. Recently he's been taking classes to get a degree, but that is his only commitment. He doesn't have any problem paying bills, though, because his mother sends him $1000 every month to pay for his living expenses. J is 26. Anyway, we've had this problem for years. I'm overly ambitious and he has next to no ambition. And it gets in the way of us being a happy couple.

So there is your background info. Earlier this month I decided that J and I need to separate- get our own apartments and live on our own- until he can prove to me that he cares enough to fix this major problem.
Or so I thought.

Now, the week of the move (I am supposed to move into my new apartment this coming Sunday) I am totally unsure of my decision and feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears. I really, really don't want to live in separate apartments...its really going to be rough on my finances...and his. Not to mention, I will really miss him. We've lived together for about 15 months now, so this is going to be a huge change.

I feel like all of my friends will be mad at me and think I'm weak if I change my mind and stay with him...but why should I put myself through so much pain and financial strain when I could be content just leaving things as is? I guess my friends would say because most of the time I'm not "happy" in this relationship because of J's immaturity. And they're right, but right now I do feel happy with the relationship. When it's just he and I, and nothing else in the world matters, he's my very best friend and I do love him on some level.

That's another part of the story, too. I'm always unsure of whether or not I'm "in love" with J. Most of the time I feel like I'm not, but I wonder if I would feel like this about anyone after being together for so long. Maybe him being my best friend is more important than all that lovey-dovey stuff. Maybe that's what a soulmate really is.
Or maybe there is someone out there that will make me feel lovey-dovey always...I don't know.

Aside from this irresponsible behavior, J treats me very well. He would do anything for me at the drop of a hat and has stood by my side through A LOT of crazy life occurrences. He isn't very romantic or thoughtful, but he is always kind and caring.

Anyway, I'm scared. I'm outrageously sad. I'm confused and uncertain. It almost feels like the him being irresponsible issue doesn't matter anymore. But I know that if I stay with him, sooner or later I will become upset again that he is being immature and irresponsible.
Everyone says if things are meant to be, he and I will get back together later.
I'm just not sure if I'm even willing to take that chance anymore.

I don't know what to do.



  1. I can really relate to you. My b.f. is a lot like yours, immature, plays video games alot; we have lived together for more than a year and a half now...our relationship has been SOOOO much work, and i have cried my eyes out and the whole nine yards :/ But somehow we have been able to work through the ugly times and are in a much better place. It took sacrifice and comprimise on both our parts, but eventually we accepted that we were who we were and that trying to change it was what was putting the strain in our relationship. I love him and he loves me, so that was all that mattered in the end.

    I am no relationship expert, but i, and i speak from experience, you should STOP caring so much about what your friends have to say about you and your relationship and should start making decisions based on what YOU feel is best for you. Also sit down and talk with your guy and straight out ask him how he feels about you and your relationship. Whether he would be willing to find a job or make a few "changes/comprimises" to his habits, in order to ease some of the tension in your relationship. Based on his response, you can then decide to do whatever needs to be done.

    It is very scary to take a big step in a relationship,but just know that the people that matter will be there for you when you need advice or a shoulder to cry on. Stay strong bb!

    Not sure whether this helped at all! But just know you do have people who care! <3

    **BIG HUG** & Much Love,

    -Christina <3

  2. Thank you so much Christina. I really appreciate your kind words and advice. It really means more to me than you know.

    I've realized lately I do need to do what's best for me, at least in my mind. And I know that's what all my friends really want is what's best for me.

    I wish I could sit down and talk to J and have these issues be fixed, but I've talked to him about them a countless amount of times, with broken promises and he never does anything to make a change. That's why I decided to make this drastic move. Now I'm just wondering if it's really the right move or not.

    Again, thank you so much. <3 you girlie! :)

  3. Case, your predicament reminds me a lot of one of my friends. I honestly think that you should put yourself first and think of what you want long term. I think that you do love J.J but your better judgement keeps you from falling in love with him. Based on my experience, men can change ,but only if they choose to do so. They never change because we ask them to. So whatever you decide, just make sure you're making that choice for you and not for your friends or family.

    It takes a lot to break up with someone you care about, but if there are issues that cannot be worked out and you stay, you'll be setting yourself up for more hearbreak. I'm sure you gave your decision to move out a lot of thought already, plus you can always come back or he can move in with you if he does make a positive change. I think you're making a big statement with moving out, and hopefully that'll be the wake-up call he needs.

    Hope that helps. Be strong and vent whenever you want, we're here for you.

  4. one of the hardest things ive had to do was break up with my boyfriend. he was the love of my life. we were inseparable. but he was extremely immature and really selfish. id try to talk about it but it never helped. one day i had to tell him it was over. we suffered without each other but now i realize that the time apart truly helped the both of us grow, and realize what was truly important. and now, although we arent "together" officially yet , we always hang out and are taking things slow and are truly happy again. I say all this to tell you... maybe some time apart may help you know what you really want, and if its J thats amazing, but if its not thats okay too. Just dont make your decison on whats the easiest thing to do. best of luck to you, on whatever you decide!! i hope it leads to happiness :)

  5. @Maria & Mayra- thank you SO much for the words of wisdom...I feel like that was EXACTLY what I needed to hear (or


  6. I agree w/the other what you want to do, but make a decision based on what you want in your future and not what seems easy right now. If you are saying all these things about J not having any drive, and you do, maybe you should spend some time on yourself and doing the things that you are passionate and motivated about. Some time apart might be just what the doctor ordered for you and J. Plus, it may give J a wake up call and/or you the clarity on what you actually want for yourself. No one changes b/c other ppl ask them to, they change b/c they want to. If you feel like you are already in this relationship for too long, think about if things DON'T change and you stay for even 1 more year or 5 more will have missed opportunities and situations that you could regret later. Do not stay in a relationship b/c you're comfortable and may be afraid of'll only regret it later.

  7. First off, stop caring about what your friends think. That's the worst thing you could ever do. This is your relationship, you should please yourself. Your friends might be mad, but at the end of the day, they'll still be there for you, if not, then they're not your true friends. I've gone through a tough relationship recently, and during this time I just needed one of my friends to tell me to do what I want, do whatever feels right. They will have something to say, but at the end of the day, you know him best.
    On the other hand, I think you need to remember why you decided to move in the first place. This was a big decision, you must have thought about it a lot and decided that it was the best thing to do. All these things that you want him to do is what any person should be doing. It doesn't seem like you're asking for a lot. You say he's not responsible; What's going to happen when he needs to be and need to step up to the plate? Do you see a future with him? Do you want to marry a man that doesn't try to provide for himself and his family?

    I'm sure you guys have talked a lot and I know that you that something's gotta give. I say you think it over more, decide what you really want, and then decide if you're willing to settle for less. Also, find a friend who's not going to judge, someone who'll just listen. A friend is going through a tough time and she has told me more than once that having me to talk to, and knowing that I won't judge, has been tons of help. You need that too.
    Good luck!

  8. Yep, I will co-sign on all the commenters above. Here is the deal, you do not want to marry someone who has gone from mama to you. You will become mama, and thats not fair, because you and your partner need to be equally yoked in order for the relationship to really be fulfilling for you. Take some time, and spend it on yourself. You will learn everything you need to about whether you love him, or are used to him. Best of luck!!!

  9. I am so sorry, Case. But I do think you are doing the right thing by moving out. Like Bianca said, you do not want him to go straight from mom to you. He needs to learn to be responsible, and in my opinion his mother isn't doing him any favors by sending him that check every month.

    One more thing I would like to add is that every successful relationship I've ever seen exists on the basis that each person thinks "I can't believe I'm so lucky to have this person in my life". If you find yourself wondering if he's the one for you, if you can do better, you can do better.

    I guess what I'm trying to say with my last paragraph there is that while the lovey-dovey feelings fade, your admiration for your spouse, your partner in life, should never fade.

    Anyway I want you to know that all of us here in the blogosphere are here for you!! If you ever need anything let me know :)